I Am a Delayed Digital Responder In a World That Won't Turn Off
So... sorry if I haven't gotten back to you. Yet.
I was texting a friend last week, attempting to make plans to spend time together at a local coffee shop. We had been going back and forth on Instagram, and it had been taking me an average of a week to respond to messages on that platform. (Not unusual for me.) I gave my friend my phone number and told her to text me, since I’m much better at texting back than answering Instagram messages. My friend texted me a few days after I had sent that DM, and apologized for her own delay, a gap which I had taken no offense to, given my own methods of communicating online. Her apology sparked something in me that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.
If you’re close with me, or you work with me in some capacity, you’ll recognize this gap in response I’m describing. It is rare that I respond as soon as I get a message. Usually I’ll think about it for 12-24 hours, and then forget to respond, and then panic and respond 24-48 hours after the initial pondering. I start the bulk of my online communication with some sort of apology for my delay, or “thank you for your patience,” and it wasn’t until last Sunday at 12:22pm that I realized something: I have to stop apologizing for my methods of communicating. Or demanding an immediate response from anyone else in my life. I texted back after my friend apologized, and said:
“No need for an apology. I am a delayed digital responder as well ✨.”
And with that simple owning of who I am, rather than apologizing for it, something shifted. Naming my identity — delayed digital responder — opened up a whole new way of living. One where I could reply whenever I wanted, not when it was socially appropriate. Because here’s the thing: In today’s world, the socially appropriate response is immediate. Our world has conditioned us to be always online, and therefore, always available. And I’m really tired of it.
“No need for an apology. I am a delayed digital responder as well ✨.”
My aversion to immediate responses doesn’t do me any favors, in regards to my friendships or my work. I miss opportunities to hang out with friends. As a freelancer, I probably annoy the editors and publicists I work with. For a decade, I’ve been bogged down by the expectation to respond to everything everyone wants, when they want it, however they need it, despite my need to slow down and think things over. I’ve said yes to trips I didn’t have the bandwidth for, had to cancel on friends I committed to in an initial effort to please them that I couldn’t follow through on, haven’t taken care of myself, and after a very long time playing the “game”, I’ve decided I’m going to opt out. No, I am not going to get back to you ASAP. I’m going to get back to you when I have the mental and emotional capacity to give you the energy and time you deserve. And it’s going to take at least a few days on average.
I understand that my proclaiming I’m going to be a delayed digital responder, and to hell with anyone that doesn’t understand and accept, probably comes across as thinking only of myself in this equation:
“Doesn’t Hayley care about the editors that need answers?”
“Doesn’t Hayley worry she’s going to alienate friends that want to know her availability right away?”
“Doesn’t Hayley understand that as a freelancer, she needs to be available 24/7, 365?”
To answer these questions: Yes, I understand editors need answers to questions, because they have their own deadlines and digital communications to think about. I understand some of my friends will be annoyed or will drop me. I understand I’m missing freelance opportunities and work. I understand, and I’m going to counter all of this with a simple series of my own questions:
Do you remember a time before the internet, when response times were longer and the state of each individual not known to the masses via social media?
Remember how the world still turned, and business still got done?
Remember how friendships relied on mutual trust, and not constant tracking and availability?
In regards to my delayed methods of response, I have been my own worst critic for years. I’ve told myself I’m a flaky, unprofessional loser who is burning bridges and ruining her career with every unanswered email. Sounds harsh, but that’s what you get from a perfectionist working in a remote environment who isn’t living up to the 24/7 availability ideals the digital world expects of us. I’ve tried to play the game for a long time, and I’m tired. And ready to make a change.
The end result of my change won’t look any different to you. I still won’t get back to your email for a couple days. I’ll text you back next week. I may never read that Instagram DM, especially if it is work related. I apologize one last time. I’m sorry.
The result of my change will be completely internal: I will be accepting an aspect of my personality I’ve been trying to re-mold for all of you for a long time. Internally, I will be at peace with who I am. Will it result in missed opportunities, professional and personal? Yes. But what I will lose in money and shared time, I will gain in inner peace and acceptance. And I think after beating myself up about this for so long, that that is a worthy bargain.
If you’re reading this as soon as I send it out, I see your promptness and salute (and appreciate) you. If it took you a few days or weeks to get around to reading this… I understand, and thank you for finding the time when it worked for you.
Chat soon. Maybe.
Very relatable post it's difficult being on top of everything all at once.