Existential Dread, Fate and Mondays
A potent combo, no?
The anxiety that I’m not doing what I’m meant to with my life is creeping in again.
This happens every time I’m on deadline, so I shouldn’t be surprised by the returning existential dread, the questioning whether I’m wasting my life or not, the thought that maybe I’m supposed to be doing something totally different and I’m just too blind to see it.
I’ve lived fully. I’ve taken risks and tried new things. I’ve also experienced tons of fear and hesitation, quieted my voice to appease others and many times, taken a safe road. Life so far has been a mixed bag of spontaneity, contemplation and just the right amount of risk.
When I start to freak out that maybe I’m totally f*cking up my life, I try to remember that all the safe roads I’ve walked, the ones I’m currently doubting, led me to exciting and scary decisions, and vice versa. It’s comforting in an odd way to remember that if I am making any giant mistakes, they’re meant to be, because if they weren’t meant to be, they wouldn’t happen. See?
If you can’t tell, I’m a big believer in fate. I love the idea of things being meant to be. I find it to be a romantic way to approach life. For me, fate is a very spiritual idea. The concept of a higher power having mapped every moment, every breath, every decision is soothing to me.
It’s not because I have a mindset that says, “Someone else is behind the wheel, so I don’t have to drive. Hello, autopilot!” It’s the opposite; I don’t know what the overall plan is, so I still need to make decisions in every moment, every day, every week and every month and year to continue to move my life forward. The comforting aspect of all of this is that even if I make a “wrong” decision, it’s never wrong. It’s just another intentional stitch in the tapestry of my life.
I freak out about decisions all the time. It’s not often that I’m consciously reminding myself in the moments of stress and chaos and choices that there’s already a plan and I’m okay; I’m not that cool and collected. I’m usually tense and uptight. But I was feeling stressed today, and I decided instead of it consuming all my thoughts, I would try something new and write about it in the moment and see it that made me feel better. Guess what?
It did.
I think at the end of the day, whether you believe in the idea of fate, destiny and a higher power is irrelevant. If there’s a concept that calms you in moments of stress and doubt, an idea or belief that can soothe the anxiety that continually builds up in our modern lives, I think whatever it manifests as is secondary to folks finding the thing that works for them. My formula of fate, spirituality and destiny is just one option in a sea of choices.
Just remember — whatever you choose was meant to be.
Happy Monday!
-Hay